Written by Jim Catapano

Made by Bo Chang

Starring

Kristin Auble

Jim Catapano

Molly Drummond

Deb Radloff

With Special Thanks to

Shelly Watson

Sonic Yoga

Big Gay Ice Cream Truck T-shirt

Miss Bite Size bought an awesome fun T-shirt to support her friend, Doug in his quest to spread much joy via his ice cream truck.

Stories of fun adventures aboard Big Gay Ice Cream Truck will follow soon. Meanwhile, check out www.biggayicecreamtruck.com!

Have you recently found yourself fretting over which yoga outfit you’re going to wear to practice, how your pants make your butt look in down dog, or if your favorite mala brings out your eyes, or just makes you look fat?  You’re not alone- you have a yoga crush… who hasn’t?  And probably, not just with any yogi, but with your favorite yoga teacher!  Never fear, the dating guru is here!  People often say to me, “Dayle, how can you give yogi’s dating advice?  You don’t have any trouble, after all you’re so attractive!” And while this is certainly true, I have also had my struggles finding love in the yo-mantic world like many of you… Because you see in yoga, as hard as this is to believe, looks don’t matter!  No matter how hot you are, like me, yogis often look much deeper, so we can’t just fall back on our pouty lips and flirting lashes… in yoga, we must be AGGRESSIVE! !  As a yoga teacher myself, I will now divulge the best ways to get and keep your instructors attention:

1. Keep eye contact with the instructor.  Nothing is more important in developing a relationship than establishing intense bedroom eyes, early in class. When most other yogis’ are closing their eyes, listening to their breath and clearing their heads, you have a unique opportunity to probe the instructor with your eyes. Take advantage, Yogi!  Your teacher will automatically feel compelled to give you more attention thinking you are new to the practice and most likely gravitate towards you in case you need more clarifying later on in the class! Also, don’t forget to smile- you wouldn’t want to come across as creepy this early in the class!
2. Ask questions! Don’t be afraid to ask what you want to know- for example being adjusted in a hip opening pose say, ” I wish I could take you home with me! I bet your lover has really open hips, with someone like you around all the time to assist them!” With statements like this you encourage dialogue, show you re interested and also learn if the object of your affection is worth meditating over or if you should move on to the next available, more open hearted yogi!
3. Demand their attention and be vocal.  If you are new to yoga this will be easy, but if you’ve been practicing for a while then you simply need to adjust your practice.  For example in ardha chandrasana (half moon pose, see below) purposefully close your top hip, pay no attention to your crush’s cues to open it and encourage them to physically adjust you! When getting adjusted physically by your instructor let them know you like it when they touch you!  This can be done with small little sighs or even full blown groans… Nothing is too much- it’s yoga after all. 
4. If everything is going well, or even as a last ditch effort- there is one final tip- when relaxing in savasana while your teacher is giving you the final assists, which normally include pressing the shoulders away from the ears, massaging of the marma points of the head and perhaps a little neck massage, make your move!  By using the element of surprise, snap your eyes open before they move onto the next yogi, grab their head and show them your best lip lock-asana!

[Bite Size Disclaimer: Dude, we're not responsible for what happens to you if you actually follow Dayle's advice. Uh, good luck in the county jail.]

Ardha Chandrasana, aka Half Moon Pose

As a follow-up to last month’s article on Asana Etiquette, here is a supplement list of things you absolutely should NOT ever do.

DO NOT:

- Suck your thumb during Happy Baby Pose

Not a therapy session!

- Scratch your behind and munch on a banana during Hanumanasana

Please, don't pick it.

- Use Forward Fold as an opportunity to clip your toenails

Gross, anyone?

- Wiggle your tongue like Gene Simmons during Lion’s Breath Pranayama

Um...yeah.

- When the teacher asks if there are any requests, say, “Can we do some Yoga?”

- Refer to a Savasana Adjustment as a “Happy Ending.”

- Forget to tell the teacher at the start of class that you’re pregnant. (If you get pregnant DURING class, no such warning is needed.)

ALSO GOOD TO REMEMBER:

Props-

Strap, Eye Pillow, Block = GOOD

Ball Gag, Gimp Mask = BAD

Sounds-

When your teacher invites you to make any sound you want, this is not an invitation to hum the Batman theme.

Ganesh, MD,  RYT,  PYT,  is the powerful god of good fortune, a patrondeity of the arts, and the lord of beginnings. He puts obstacles in your path so that you may learn from them, and then takes them away (when he remembers to). He is also a licensed therapist and teaches Vinyasa  Yoga to special needs populations…specifically, Yoga students with elephant heads.

Happy May everyone! They say April Showers bring May Flowers. Unfortunately, I have Hay Fever and with a trunk like mine? I have to stay clear of outdoor activities for a  few weeks, or risk showering everyone with snot. Although some people do like that. Because it’s MY snot,  they somehow consider it a blessing. One guy even bottled my mucus and tried to sell it on Ebay.  “Fresh Ganesh Drippings” he advertised.  Exploiting the affliction of a deity? Not good. I responded by placing an obstacle in his life, i.e., my foot up his ass.

But I digress. On to the healing. We can talk about anything. Yoga, relationships, work, Swine Flu (How’s THAT for an obstacle? LOL, no I can’t take credit for that one, that was my brother Niles.)

Hello Yogis…I’m listening.

Vrksasana, aka Tree Pose

DEAR GANESH,

When I try to do tree I pose find that I can balance better on one leg than the other – I can’t bring my palms together over my head when I stand on my right leg. Is this common and what should I do?

–SHAKY TREE

DEAR SHAKY,

No, it’s not common at all. Everyone’s body is different, of course, but yours? Just plain weird. Really, you shouldn’t even exist. My best advice is to stop embarrassing yourself and  only do tree pose alone in a darkened room.

DEAR GANESH,

I’ve been noticing lately that when I do Bhuja Pindasana my wrists ache for the rest of the day. Should I modify with blocks?

–OM-OW.

Bhuja Pindasana

DEAR OM-OW,

Bhuja-what? I have no idea what that is. Is that like Sanskrit or something? Yeah I can never remember that stuff. I’m gonna  have to go look that up. In the meantime, cease all physical activity. Just read quietly in the corner.

DEAR GANESH,

I have asthma. Is there any Yoga pose that will help me alleviate that?

–WHEEZY IN WESTCHESTER.

DEAR WHEEZY,

Loved you on “The Jeffersons.” Kidding. No seriously, STOP DOING YOGA IMMEDIATELY. Honestly are you NUTS? (Mmm, nuts).

Look, Yoga is about BREATHING. And you? YOU CAN’T BREATHE. Do the Math.

DEAR GANESH,

There’s a girl in my Vinyasa class that is so groovy. She is the bee’s knees. She is just the most. I stare at her every day until the teacher makes me stop. I noticed her smile at me once. What should I do? Should ask her to go for a soda?

–LOVASANA

DEAR LOVASANA,

DUDE YOU GOTTA HIT THAT! She smiled at you that means she WANTS it! And you know you’re both flexible. Oh the things you could do! You go Down on That Dog and report back to me. I’ll put it in my “Ganesh After Dark” column.

That’s it for today. Until next time, see you on the mat!*

*Not really. I’ve got that hip thing.

OSSSO        Om Shanti Shanti Shanti Om

PS        Patanjali’s Sutras

NTE        Namaste

BBL        Back Bending Later?

LMAO        Laughing My Asana Off

OOL        Oming Out Loud

OMG        Oming Mid-Garudasana

TAV        Take a Vinyasa

LDC        Lowering Down Chaturanga

RFOMTACTSIA        Rolling Forward Over My Toes and Coming To Stand in Tadasana

BOF        Breath of Fire

F*CK!        Hanumanasana

Z        Firelog or Agnistambhasana

Zzz        Falling asleep in savasana

$        Old Navy

$$        American Apparel

$$$        Lululemon

)!(        Oh god! I let one out in the class.

x        Don’t breathe! Someone farted in the class.

:- x        Teacher said I was moaning too loud

<3        In a heart-opening Flow

x-(        In Corpse Pose

: -P        Doing Lion’s Breath

xxooxxoo        My teacher was adjusting me but then it got creepy, please call the authorities

0:-)        I have attained Samadhi, bye!

The Obama administration’s long search is over. The President’s promise to Sasha and Malia has finally been fulfilled. The White House announced today that the new yoga teacher to the First Family is Bo, a New York based yogini and a founding member of Bite Size Yoga.

In response to the criticism from animal rescue group for selecting a purebred Portuguese Water Dog rather than a shelter dog, the President chose Bo, the yoga teacher who is a first generation immigrant and a member of a minority group, Angry Yogis (not to be confused with The Dark Side school of yoga founded by Anakin Skywalker, CYT).

“Well, we got a dog named Bo, so we thought why not continue with the theme and get a yoga teacher named Bo as well,” said the First Lady. “It gets a little confusing when we call Bo at meal times, but the other Bo doesn’t seem to mind showing up at the same time. In fact, the other Bo rushes over when the secret service takes Bo out for a walk. It’s really endearing when both Bo’s start humping Agent Tim’s legs…well, I’m not sure how Agent Tim’s wife feels about that.”

In addition to teaching the first family a whole bunch of yoga poses, chants, meditation and fun things one can do with 2 yoga straps, a neti pot and a dozen bindis, Bo plans to write an epic techno musical about the Lincoln Memorial’s secret life as a Trance Dance hot spot for the House Committee on Ways and Means to jump-start her Bollywood career.

An Editorial by Anakin Skywalker, CYT

I was chosen to learn the ways of the Yogi when I was just a small, annoying little boy with a punchbowl hairdo.

My guru, we’ll just call him “Chuck” instead of his real name (Swami Billo O’Riley, 257 West 57th Street, Apt. 2Z, please no menus) found me on the boardwalk in Long Beach, where I impressed everyone by standing on my head while simultaneously singing the theme to “Charles In Charge” in its entirety. Chuck told me that the “Sutras” were strong in me. It was originally thought that these were the foundational texts of yoga, but we have since learned that “Sutras” are actually little microscopic organisms in the blood that makes you go upside down. Who woulda thunk it?

I trained with Chuck and his apprentice, Ben “Omy One” Krasinski, for years, until I was ready to become a teacher. But when I approached the Yoga Alliance to obtain my registration, they refused, saying that they sensed “much anger in me.” (That’s effin bullshit! I’ll show ‘em.)

And that’s when I met RKO Brrkram, founder of of famous Brrkram “Cold Yoga” school – yoga performed in meat lockers at temperatures of 10 below zero. It is a dark underground system which is at odds with every other Yoga path in the galaxy. Brrkram recognized my potential and encouraged me to embrace the “Dark, Cold Side” of Yoga.

He said that his version of Yoga was so powerful, his students attained enlightenment in mere days. “The doctors called it ‘Frostbite’,” said Brrkram, “but I know better.”

Brrkram wanted me to spy on Jivamukti and told me to apply to their staff, to be “his eyes, ears, and psoas muscle.” But Jivamukti refused. They said I had an attitude problem.  Bastards.

Angry and frustrated, I retreated to the nearest Irish Pub where I got drink on Yuengling, and hit on every girl in sight. (Note: “Wanna see my plow pose?” is not a good opening pickup line.) I killed the whole keg and got thrown out. Unfortunately, the security cameras caught it all. Omy One learned of this and was furious, and told not only my girlfriend Natalie, but Chuck too!

“You killed Yuengling?” he said. “And you didn’t invite me? I sense the dark side in you.” (As if this was news to anybody.)

“Are you mad at me, Chuck?” I asked. Stupid question.

So now I have completely turned to the Dark Side of Yoga. My new name is Darth Veda, and I am going to be the most powerful Yogi of all time. I will overthrow Brrkram* and restore order to the Yoga world!

What, you think I’m crazy? If you’re not with me, then you’re my ENEMY! The Yogis turned against me. Don’t you turn against me! I HATE YOU!!! Namaste.

* I hope he doesn’t read this.

Sanskrit Back

I’m bringing Sanskrit back
Them other yogis don’t know how to act
I think you’re special bending behind your back
So twist around and Ill give you a strap.

Take em’ to the Bridge Pose!

Knees Chest Chin babe
Or Chaturanga
I’m your Asana slave
I’ll let you adjust me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me OM this way

Take em’ to the Corpse Pose!

[Chorus]
Fold it girl!
(Uttanasana)
Eagle arms!
(Garudasana)
Half Moon Yo!
(Ardha Chandrasana)
Take a Seat!
(Utkattasana)
Lunge up High!
(Anjaneyasana)
Intense side stretch!
(Parsvottonasana)
And get your sanskrit on!

I”m bringing Sanskrit back
Your alignments looking out of whack
When youre in Camel better watch your back
Girl invertings just like smoking crack

Cobra Pose!
(Bhujangasana)
Take a Shoulder Stand
(Sarvangasana)
Hinge that hip!
(Trikonasana)
????
(Bhuja Pindasana)
Meet me in Childs Pose,
AWW YEAH