Written by Jim Catapano

Made by Bo Chang

Starring

Kristin Auble

Jim Catapano

Molly Drummond

Deb Radloff

With Special Thanks to

Shelly Watson

Sonic Yoga

Have you recently found yourself fretting over which yoga outfit you’re going to wear to practice, how your pants make your butt look in down dog, or if your favorite mala brings out your eyes, or just makes you look fat?  You’re not alone- you have a yoga crush… who hasn’t?  And probably, not just with any yogi, but with your favorite yoga teacher!  Never fear, the dating guru is here!  People often say to me, “Dayle, how can you give yogi’s dating advice?  You don’t have any trouble, after all you’re so attractive!” And while this is certainly true, I have also had my struggles finding love in the yo-mantic world like many of you… Because you see in yoga, as hard as this is to believe, looks don’t matter!  No matter how hot you are, like me, yogis often look much deeper, so we can’t just fall back on our pouty lips and flirting lashes… in yoga, we must be AGGRESSIVE! !  As a yoga teacher myself, I will now divulge the best ways to get and keep your instructors attention:

1. Keep eye contact with the instructor.  Nothing is more important in developing a relationship than establishing intense bedroom eyes, early in class. When most other yogis’ are closing their eyes, listening to their breath and clearing their heads, you have a unique opportunity to probe the instructor with your eyes. Take advantage, Yogi!  Your teacher will automatically feel compelled to give you more attention thinking you are new to the practice and most likely gravitate towards you in case you need more clarifying later on in the class! Also, don’t forget to smile- you wouldn’t want to come across as creepy this early in the class!
2. Ask questions! Don’t be afraid to ask what you want to know- for example being adjusted in a hip opening pose say, ” I wish I could take you home with me! I bet your lover has really open hips, with someone like you around all the time to assist them!” With statements like this you encourage dialogue, show you re interested and also learn if the object of your affection is worth meditating over or if you should move on to the next available, more open hearted yogi!
3. Demand their attention and be vocal.  If you are new to yoga this will be easy, but if you’ve been practicing for a while then you simply need to adjust your practice.  For example in ardha chandrasana (half moon pose, see below) purposefully close your top hip, pay no attention to your crush’s cues to open it and encourage them to physically adjust you! When getting adjusted physically by your instructor let them know you like it when they touch you!  This can be done with small little sighs or even full blown groans… Nothing is too much- it’s yoga after all. 
4. If everything is going well, or even as a last ditch effort- there is one final tip- when relaxing in savasana while your teacher is giving you the final assists, which normally include pressing the shoulders away from the ears, massaging of the marma points of the head and perhaps a little neck massage, make your move!  By using the element of surprise, snap your eyes open before they move onto the next yogi, grab their head and show them your best lip lock-asana!

[Bite Size Disclaimer: Dude, we're not responsible for what happens to you if you actually follow Dayle's advice. Uh, good luck in the county jail.]

Ardha Chandrasana, aka Half Moon Pose

Etymology

From Sanskrit आसन (”’sitting down’”) < आस (”‘to sit down’”)

Noun

asana (plural asanas)

A body position, typically associated with the practice of yoga.

From wordnet.princeton.edu

(n.) (Hinduism) a posture or manner of sitting (as in the practice of yoga)

From Wikipedia

Asana…is a body position, typically associated with the practice of Yoga, intended primarily to restore and maintain a practitioner’s well-being, improve the body’s flexibility and vitality, and promote the ability to remain in seated meditation for extended periods. These are widely known as Yoga postures or Yoga positions, which is currently practiced for exercise and as alternate medicine.

Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asana for detailed information.

From Miss Bite Size

Asana is what people generally mean when they say they practice yoga. I thought yoga IS asana until I read B.K.S. Iyengar’s Light on Yoga and Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras and learned that asana is the third of the eight limbs (ashtanga) of Raja Yoga (one of many schools of yoga, what we know as Yoga), just one aspect of many steps to enlightenment or union with the universe.

So the eight limbs are (in order) yamas (rules on what not to do), niyamas (rules on what to do), asanas, pranayama (breath control), pratyahara (withdrawing of the senses), dhrana (concentration of the mind), dhyana (meditation) and samadhi (heightened state of consciousness) – sweet! We’ll discuss the limbs in upcoming articles, but that is the general idea.

Ganesh, MD,  RYT,  PYT,  is the powerful god of good fortune, a patrondeity of the arts, and the lord of beginnings. He puts obstacles in your path so that you may learn from them, and then takes them away (when he remembers to). He is also a licensed therapist and teaches Vinyasa  Yoga to special needs populations…specifically, Yoga students with elephant heads.

Happy May everyone! They say April Showers bring May Flowers. Unfortunately, I have Hay Fever and with a trunk like mine? I have to stay clear of outdoor activities for a  few weeks, or risk showering everyone with snot. Although some people do like that. Because it’s MY snot,  they somehow consider it a blessing. One guy even bottled my mucus and tried to sell it on Ebay.  “Fresh Ganesh Drippings” he advertised.  Exploiting the affliction of a deity? Not good. I responded by placing an obstacle in his life, i.e., my foot up his ass.

But I digress. On to the healing. We can talk about anything. Yoga, relationships, work, Swine Flu (How’s THAT for an obstacle? LOL, no I can’t take credit for that one, that was my brother Niles.)

Hello Yogis…I’m listening.

Vrksasana, aka Tree Pose

DEAR GANESH,

When I try to do tree I pose find that I can balance better on one leg than the other – I can’t bring my palms together over my head when I stand on my right leg. Is this common and what should I do?

–SHAKY TREE

DEAR SHAKY,

No, it’s not common at all. Everyone’s body is different, of course, but yours? Just plain weird. Really, you shouldn’t even exist. My best advice is to stop embarrassing yourself and  only do tree pose alone in a darkened room.

DEAR GANESH,

I’ve been noticing lately that when I do Bhuja Pindasana my wrists ache for the rest of the day. Should I modify with blocks?

–OM-OW.

Bhuja Pindasana

DEAR OM-OW,

Bhuja-what? I have no idea what that is. Is that like Sanskrit or something? Yeah I can never remember that stuff. I’m gonna  have to go look that up. In the meantime, cease all physical activity. Just read quietly in the corner.

DEAR GANESH,

I have asthma. Is there any Yoga pose that will help me alleviate that?

–WHEEZY IN WESTCHESTER.

DEAR WHEEZY,

Loved you on “The Jeffersons.” Kidding. No seriously, STOP DOING YOGA IMMEDIATELY. Honestly are you NUTS? (Mmm, nuts).

Look, Yoga is about BREATHING. And you? YOU CAN’T BREATHE. Do the Math.

DEAR GANESH,

There’s a girl in my Vinyasa class that is so groovy. She is the bee’s knees. She is just the most. I stare at her every day until the teacher makes me stop. I noticed her smile at me once. What should I do? Should ask her to go for a soda?

–LOVASANA

DEAR LOVASANA,

DUDE YOU GOTTA HIT THAT! She smiled at you that means she WANTS it! And you know you’re both flexible. Oh the things you could do! You go Down on That Dog and report back to me. I’ll put it in my “Ganesh After Dark” column.

That’s it for today. Until next time, see you on the mat!*

*Not really. I’ve got that hip thing.

OSSSO        Om Shanti Shanti Shanti Om

PS        Patanjali’s Sutras

NTE        Namaste

BBL        Back Bending Later?

LMAO        Laughing My Asana Off

OOL        Oming Out Loud

OMG        Oming Mid-Garudasana

TAV        Take a Vinyasa

LDC        Lowering Down Chaturanga

RFOMTACTSIA        Rolling Forward Over My Toes and Coming To Stand in Tadasana

BOF        Breath of Fire

F*CK!        Hanumanasana

Z        Firelog or Agnistambhasana

Zzz        Falling asleep in savasana

$        Old Navy

$$        American Apparel

$$$        Lululemon

)!(        Oh god! I let one out in the class.

x        Don’t breathe! Someone farted in the class.

:- x        Teacher said I was moaning too loud

<3        In a heart-opening Flow

x-(        In Corpse Pose

: -P        Doing Lion’s Breath

xxooxxoo        My teacher was adjusting me but then it got creepy, please call the authorities

0:-)        I have attained Samadhi, bye!

Sanskrit Back

I’m bringing Sanskrit back
Them other yogis don’t know how to act
I think you’re special bending behind your back
So twist around and Ill give you a strap.

Take em’ to the Bridge Pose!

Knees Chest Chin babe
Or Chaturanga
I’m your Asana slave
I’ll let you adjust me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me OM this way

Take em’ to the Corpse Pose!

[Chorus]
Fold it girl!
(Uttanasana)
Eagle arms!
(Garudasana)
Half Moon Yo!
(Ardha Chandrasana)
Take a Seat!
(Utkattasana)
Lunge up High!
(Anjaneyasana)
Intense side stretch!
(Parsvottonasana)
And get your sanskrit on!

I”m bringing Sanskrit back
Your alignments looking out of whack
When youre in Camel better watch your back
Girl invertings just like smoking crack

Cobra Pose!
(Bhujangasana)
Take a Shoulder Stand
(Sarvangasana)
Hinge that hip!
(Trikonasana)
????
(Bhuja Pindasana)
Meet me in Childs Pose,
AWW YEAH

by Jim Catapano

As you know, I am an avid student of the intense and violent martial art known as Yoga (pronounced “cheez-bur-grr”). Many have asked, “Jim, what’s Yoga like?” Well, now that I have this forum on the World Wide Net I thought I’d give you a primer on the basics.

1. Yoga was invented in 1968 by Dr. Timothy Leary (father of Dennis Leary from that show about the red truck). Dr. Leary invented the ancient art as a supplement to his LSD practice. His philosophy: “Turn it on, Drop it In, Yoga it up.”

2. Yoga is a Sanskrit word meaning “My body can do amazing things. Wanna buy me a drink?”

3. Yoga is about bringing the “Chaka” into alignment with the Nannies and

the Marmasets. The Chaka is named for the little furry guy from the 70s Saturday Morning show “Land of The Lost.”

Steve “Chaka” Khan

4. Yoga is about COMPETITION. It’s about being better than the guy/girl/dog Yogaing it up next to you.

5. Yoga is about MOCKERY. If the guy/girl/dog next to you is not “Yogaing” properly, it is your responsibility as a student to point and laugh so that they run from the practice room in tears.

6. Yoga is about PAIN. If you don’t wake up the next morning in complete and utter agony, YOU DID IT WRONG. Repent by beating yourself with your Yoga strap and smacking yourself in the head with your yoga block (that’s what those are for.)

Now you know how to fight Yoga. Go out there, get drunk, and kick some asana.

DISCLAIMER: The above does not reflect the opinions of BiteSizeYoga.com, or anyone else on the planet besides Jim.

by Dayle Pivetta

Prasarita Padottanasana as practiced by Bite Size’s own bloat-ini Dayle

Standing with my feet about 3 feet apart, I ground the outer edges of my feet, and balance my weight equally between the heel and the ball of the foot. Hands on my hips I inhale with a long straight spine. I imagine the pelvic bowl in my minds eye. The bowl is full of a spicy 3 bean chili that I ate for lunch and on my next exhale I slowly, with control, fold forward and dump that chili onto the mat, hinging at the hips. I engage my quadriceps to help release the tension in my hamstrings and draw my shoulders away from my ears to help lengthen the spine. Depending on the tension in my hamstrings (this changes daily) I may micro-bend my knees. With each inhale I lengthen the spine and with each exhale I deepen into the fold, eventually bringing the crown of my head to touch the floor. Upon exiting I bend my knees and engage Uddiyana Bhanda (to protect my lower back) and Moola Bhanda (to protect the instructor or yogi behind me) as I rise up with a straight spine.

Gas-ana’s should not be practiced in a classroom setting if the yogi is not comfortable sharing his inner ‘light’ with others. Keeping these advanced variations for a home practice is perfectly acceptable… but not quite as funny.