As transcribed by Jim Catapano after an indepth interview (I think)

An Editorial by Anakin Skywalker, CYT

I was chosen to learn the ways of the Yogi when I was just a small, annoying little boy with a punchbowl hairdo.

My guru, we’ll just call him “Chuck” instead of his real name (Swami Billo O’Riley, 257 West 57th Street, Apt. 2Z, please no menus) found me on the boardwalk in Long Beach, where I impressed everyone by standing on my head while simultaneously singing the theme to “Charles In Charge” in its entirety. Chuck told me that the “Sutras” were strong in me. It was originally thought that these were the foundational texts of yoga, but we have since learned that “Sutras” are actually little microscopic organisms in the blood that makes you go upside down. Who woulda thunk it?

I trained with Chuck and his apprentice, Ben “Omy One” Krasinski, for years, until I was ready to become a teacher. But when I approached the Yoga Alliance to obtain my registration, they refused, saying that they sensed “much anger in me.” (That’s effin bullshit! I’ll show ‘em.)

And that’s when I met RKO Brrkram, founder of of famous Brrkram “Cold Yoga” school – yoga performed in meat lockers at temperatures of 10 below zero. It is a dark underground system which is at odds with every other Yoga path in the galaxy. Brrkram recognized my potential and encouraged me to embrace the “Dark, Cold Side” of Yoga.

He said that his version of Yoga was so powerful, his students attained enlightenment in mere days. “The doctors called it ‘Frostbite’,” said Brrkram, “but I know better.”

Brrkram wanted me to spy on Jivamukti and told me to apply to their staff, to be “his eyes, ears, and psoas muscle.” But Jivamukti refused. They said I had an attitude problem.  Bastards.

Angry and frustrated, I retreated to the nearest Irish Pub where I got drink on Yuengling, and hit on every girl in sight. (Note: “Wanna see my plow pose?” is not a good opening pickup line.) I killed the whole keg and got thrown out. Unfortunately, the security cameras caught it all. Omy One learned of this and was furious, and told not only my girlfriend Natalie, but Chuck too!

“You killed Yuengling?” he said. “And you didn’t invite me? I sense the dark side in you.” (As if this was news to anybody.)

“Are you mad at me, Chuck?” I asked. Stupid question.

So now I have completely turned to the Dark Side of Yoga. My new name is Darth Veda, and I am going to be the most powerful Yogi of all time. I will overthrow Brrkram* and restore order to the Yoga world!

What, you think I’m crazy? If you’re not with me, then you’re my ENEMY! The Yogis turned against me. Don’t you turn against me! I HATE YOU!!! Namaste.

* I hope he doesn’t read this.

Tags: Dark Side, Humor, Star Wars, Yoga Alliance